9:21 p.m. :: 2002-10-01
ragdoll

michael isn't interested in saving me. he knows i'm beyond saving. he knows i'm a slut, a whore, the girl who let doctors and nurses drag on for a lifetime. he gets off on it. so i'm here. hammering on his door like a witch, bitch, demon, harpy.

he's surprised to see me. he's been sitting in front of the tv with a beer. not part of the drama. not expecting life to come in. or me.

but i know he'll make a move within ten minutes. i wouldn't be here for anything else. i'll give it to anyone. even my own brother.

i've never given it to anyone else. but michael would never believe that.

we don't speak. that's the strangest thing about it. he doesn't even kiss me. you don't kiss whores. it's not necessary. he moves his hand with certainty up my leg. the scars don't detain or interest him. they're a predictable part of my craziness. he's only interested in my cunt.

it's so strange. another boy's fingers stroking me. the different way they go about it. neither rougher nor gentler, just... different. he smells unfamiliar. mostly of beer. his chest is broader. hairy. it repulses me but there's something sexual about it. he's heavier than leigh. bigger. more of a man. i am slippery against his fingers. he's taken his own top off but he hasn't bothered with mine. that's the wrong way round, surely.

the silence is so strange. just the heaviness of our breathing. with leigh, we never shut up. cock and cunt and pussy and fuckfuckfuck. or the baby talk. jimpy wants to come and visit mrs pussywussy. what a dirty little girl you are.

i don't feel like a dirty little girl anymore. i feel like a dirty woman.

he puts both his hands on my arse to push me further onto his groin. leigh never does that. it's strange. i like it. i spread my legs... the telly is still on.. i stare at the screen... it's eastenders. he smears his slimy fingers across my inside thigh. i'm still gazing at the tv when he thrusts inside me. and then i close my eyes and concentrate on being fucked. his rapid, beery breath, his hands on my arse, the pulsing and pumping of a new cock inside me. he's screwing me so hard it's like a punishment. but i take it. i take it all. i know he wants to prove he's harder, bigger, better than leigh. but he's not. he's just different.

the only words he says, he growls in my ear. come on. come on. hurry up and come, because my ego demands that i make you come. i want to satisfy you before you satisfy me. and i do as i'm told. i come. i come quietly, breathily, sucking in the beer fumes and the warmth of his body. i press my face against his chest and concentrate on being fucked. come on, he growls. and i am tossed like a ragdoll on a wave.

spent :: fresh

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